I often wake up saying these words to myself, as sort of a mantra. Sometimes life will hurl problems at you from every direction. I praise the Lord when I get up the next morning. Ms. Bea, in my Bible study says, "God didn't take me and the devil won't have me, so I guess I'm doing alright." I love that. Some days you just need that new start. Some days, that fresh pot of coffee, just makes you smile, knowing that yesterday is done, and now the journey continues.
Today was a day like that for me...
After my last long post, I had many phone calls from good friends, checking on me. What a blessing it is to have true friends. I had to assure them, that, yes, I was fine. And I am. Just continuing on my journey...pressing on toward the goal. Yesterday was a beautiful day here in south Texas. The weather was PERFECT, sunny but not too hot, a slight breeze that didn't knock you down, a great day to be outside. Noah and I took schooling outside. It filled me with such joy to see him reading his book on Paul Revere, on the bench in our yard, while Aiden ran back and forth, back and forth... I felt blessed to be there in that moment with my two favorite boys. It was a pure moment of true being. Anyone who has studied the acting theories of Eric Morris will know what I'm talking about...what, there are none of those people following my blog? Anyway, I just had a warm feeling about the day and about my boys and about homeschooling and being able to enjoy this day with them. Well, today I got up with my "today is a new day" attitude, leaving behind any negative thoughts or feelings and was greeted by sheer joy at the ridiculous hour of 8:36.
Aiden woke me up early - like before 7:00am - I know you public school moms are not feeling sorry for me, but in my book, that is early! I put on a pot of coffee and began my morning rituals, turn on Blue's Clues for my addicted son, make sure everyone had something for breakfast, etc. etc. etc. I was about to change Aiden when I wandered over to the window seat for a diaper (no, now is NOT the time to tell me that diapers don't belong on window seats and that you can't believe how messy my house is, and that you can't understand how I can live that way), when I looked at what I thought was the remnants of caterpillars passed when I noticed a little wiggle. I was so excited to see ANY sign of life that I immediately yelled for Noah and Caitlyn. By the time the two had scurried over, the butterfly was starting to emerge from her cocoon (Caitlyn insists that it was her Lovey that had changed first). I was filled with excitement at this miracle that I was about to behold and began to shout, "It's coming out, it's coming out!"
I was immediately transported back in time to the delivery room when I was having Noah, my first-born. I felt as though I didn't get to enjoy the miracle as much as Chris did, what with all the pain and all. I can remember when Chris saw Noah beginning to crown and the look on his face was utter excitement as he said, "I can see him, I can see him!" as if to say, hurry, hurry, here he comes! At that particular moment I wouldn't exactly characterize my feelings as excitement, as much as relief; so I felt a little gypped of my feelings of extreme excitement. Well, today, I felt it, just as Chris had when I gave birth to Noah. I couldn't believe that God not only was giving us the gift of life in the butterflies, but also allowing me to WITNESS it. Wow, how good God is. It was at the EXACT moment that I walked over to get that diaper, that the butterfly was emerging from her cocoon. That my friend is not coincidence, that is a NEW DAY.
2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Grief measured in caterpillars...
You know, grief can be a strange thing. Difficult, unpredictable, unreliable. You can work through your "issues", feel like you're in a better place one minute, then something so minuscule, like say, a caterpillar or a cup of them; can just throw you into a tailspin and leave you wondering where this latest wave of grief came from.
You see when we lost our Emily almost six years ago, it was devastating. You can't imagine the impact that a tiny baby who only lived a few short hours, could have on your heart. I had never felt such grief before. It enveloped me. It changed me from who I had been to someone new. I had a new "normal", which I hated. I wanted to be the naive woman I had been before. I wanted to worry about my hair and my how my skin looked, instead of pondering eternal questions, seeing small white caskets. Slowly I began to create my new self. Day by day I spun my web, wrapping myself up in my new identity. Wishing all the while I could go back to my former stage. I know what you're thinking, right about now. You're saying to yourselves, "Ah, I see she's weaving a metaphor about herself and the caterpillars..." Well, you're wrong. That's not it at all...
You see I was awoken this morning to Caitlyn's scream, "AIDEN --You've made the caterpillars NOT turn into butterflies!!!" I knew immediately what had happened. Just yesterday I had marveled at the little changing caterpillars myself. I have been awe struck through out this entire last week, watching them grow and grow, getting ready for their big change. Just yesterday the first one hung himself up on the top of the cup, and the others were soon to follow, they would probably be up there this morning...and they were, before the tornado got to them. I ran into the living room to find Caitlyn's little hands wrapped around the cup, "Mommy LOOK!" Aiden had thrown down the cup and had dislodged all of the crysalids. They were now lying in the muck of food and whatever that stuff is...I was immediately struck with sadness. I had so been looking forward to watching the entire life cycle of these little critters. I was so anticipating watching them emerge from the cocoon and having that beautiful moment with my children. Then it hit me. That was exactly the feeling I had when I found out that our beautiful Emily would not make it. I had so looked forward to first steps, dance classes, reading books, the prom, her wedding and in a flash it was all shattered. Her "life cycle" was cut short by some strange twist of fate and here I was this morning experiencing it again...Wow, what a way to start a day. Most days I am in a good place with her loss. I know it sounds crazy, but I know she is with her Savior and has been made whole and really I would not have it any other way. But, every so often I am taken back to that place in which my life was forever changed, and the feelings well up again, such that I must take a moment and embrace that grief.
So what did I do? Well, I spent the afternoon (crying and) scouring the internet trying to figure out how to save those little caterpillars. I followed the directions that I found, carefully removing them from their comfortable, little cup to a new, foreign habitat. I'm still not sure if they are going to make it; but at least I tried.
Caitlyn said, "Mommy, I think they are just asleep right now. I think they will be butterflies." Bless her heart. She is such an optimist. I praise God that He saw fit to bless me again with another sweet girl. I am so lucky.
I may not be the woman I once was, and I may struggle at times, but I know that after the cocoon is the final, beautiful stage. For now, I'm still tightly woven into my little cocoon, no longer the caterpillar, but in a delicate process looking forward to that someday when maybe I'll be a butterfly...
(okay, so I'm a sucker for a good metaphor)
You see when we lost our Emily almost six years ago, it was devastating. You can't imagine the impact that a tiny baby who only lived a few short hours, could have on your heart. I had never felt such grief before. It enveloped me. It changed me from who I had been to someone new. I had a new "normal", which I hated. I wanted to be the naive woman I had been before. I wanted to worry about my hair and my how my skin looked, instead of pondering eternal questions, seeing small white caskets. Slowly I began to create my new self. Day by day I spun my web, wrapping myself up in my new identity. Wishing all the while I could go back to my former stage. I know what you're thinking, right about now. You're saying to yourselves, "Ah, I see she's weaving a metaphor about herself and the caterpillars..." Well, you're wrong. That's not it at all...
You see I was awoken this morning to Caitlyn's scream, "AIDEN --You've made the caterpillars NOT turn into butterflies!!!" I knew immediately what had happened. Just yesterday I had marveled at the little changing caterpillars myself. I have been awe struck through out this entire last week, watching them grow and grow, getting ready for their big change. Just yesterday the first one hung himself up on the top of the cup, and the others were soon to follow, they would probably be up there this morning...and they were, before the tornado got to them. I ran into the living room to find Caitlyn's little hands wrapped around the cup, "Mommy LOOK!" Aiden had thrown down the cup and had dislodged all of the crysalids. They were now lying in the muck of food and whatever that stuff is...I was immediately struck with sadness. I had so been looking forward to watching the entire life cycle of these little critters. I was so anticipating watching them emerge from the cocoon and having that beautiful moment with my children. Then it hit me. That was exactly the feeling I had when I found out that our beautiful Emily would not make it. I had so looked forward to first steps, dance classes, reading books, the prom, her wedding and in a flash it was all shattered. Her "life cycle" was cut short by some strange twist of fate and here I was this morning experiencing it again...Wow, what a way to start a day. Most days I am in a good place with her loss. I know it sounds crazy, but I know she is with her Savior and has been made whole and really I would not have it any other way. But, every so often I am taken back to that place in which my life was forever changed, and the feelings well up again, such that I must take a moment and embrace that grief.
So what did I do? Well, I spent the afternoon (crying and) scouring the internet trying to figure out how to save those little caterpillars. I followed the directions that I found, carefully removing them from their comfortable, little cup to a new, foreign habitat. I'm still not sure if they are going to make it; but at least I tried.
Caitlyn said, "Mommy, I think they are just asleep right now. I think they will be butterflies." Bless her heart. She is such an optimist. I praise God that He saw fit to bless me again with another sweet girl. I am so lucky.
I may not be the woman I once was, and I may struggle at times, but I know that after the cocoon is the final, beautiful stage. For now, I'm still tightly woven into my little cocoon, no longer the caterpillar, but in a delicate process looking forward to that someday when maybe I'll be a butterfly...
(okay, so I'm a sucker for a good metaphor)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Spring has sprung in my heart...
Not too long ago I ordered Anna Comstock's Handbook of Nature Study and eagerly awaited it's arrival. From the moment I cracked the spine, I knew it was true love. I am my father's daughter, and as such, I just adore nature. Being close to nature reminds me of the wonder of God's creation. I feel blessed by every tree and flower, even when they make me sneeze. As I held the book in my hands, I had this overwhelming desire to read all 900+ pages from cover to cover in one sitting. Knowing that at some point the baby would cry, Noah or Caitlyn would also need something, I resigned myself to simply go at a snail's pace, but soak in every moment of it. I want to bask in every "nugget of knowledge" that she has for me about this wonderfully complex gift that God has given us. When I first started reading it, Chris asked me, "Why are you reading that?"
Shyly I answered, "Um, because we're studying rocks soon."
"But why are you underlining stuff?"
This one caught me off guard. What could I possibly answer without sounding totally nutty.
"Um, because I want to remember it," I answered with a questioning inflection in my voice. You see, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I actually LOVE learning about nature.
There are so many topics of conversation that I am simply ambivalent about. I could really care less about the stock market (although I know I should and that it does affect me). I am only mildly interested in pro football. The current fashion can only hold my attention for so long; but a nice flower, now that is something to look at.
The other day the kids and I took a trip to Houston. On the way we marveled at the bluebonnets in bloom. I am so going to miss March in Texas. A nice field of bluebonnets can turn even the worst day into a success. We stopped in Refurio at the TXDOT building and there right beside one of the palms was a nice little patch of bluebonnets. I made the kids all jump out and pose for a picture (which consisted of just getting the older two to sit, while I chased Aiden down, placed him in the picture, then quickly snapped a shot). Chris would have thought I was crazy. He's always so pressed to get to where we're going by some self-imposed arrival time. I know where he's coming from, as it is only a matter of time before Aiden begins to scream, "Out, out, out". But on a day like that, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to enjoy such beauty.
Then the following week, my friend Jody and I took the kids to a local church that has a nice bluebonnet patch for more pictures. I can't express the joy I felt watching the kids frolic through the field. That my friend, is what homeschooling is all about. I love the fact that my kids get to go out and experience nature instead of making paper models of it in the classroom. There is no substitute for experiencing nature first hand. It is the beauty of which Anna Comstock speaks so eloquently in her book, and why I am so enjoying this book with my kids. I have been searching high and low for some sort of science text book to use with them. Today after our nature lesson, I realized, I don't need a text book, I just need nature (oh, and Comstock's book).
Today was such a wonderful school day. No we didn't finish our math; no I didn't get to that story that I wanted Noah to finish writing; but oh, the discussions of nature that we had today were simply priceless. Our discussion began with the purpose of flowers - the fruit (see my last blog entry about the fruit). We began talking about what a plant needed to feel "comfortable". Caitlyn was very attentive as she has also been covering plants and flowers at play-school. We acted out what a wilted plant looks like, how it's leaves, flowers, and stem droop. Both kids enjoyed this activity, by the way, which surprised me a bit. We talked about the direction that the roots and leaves grow. Then, after discussing the different parts of the flower, we headed outside for some hand's on lessons. I took out several different ziplock baggies with different items listed on them: roots, leaves, flowers, seeds. I sent the kids in all directions for each of the items listed on the baggie. It was so neat to see all the kids looking for interesting leaves. They scoured the yard (ahem, and the neighbor's yard - sorry Doc Tom). Even Aiden got into it, examining every handful then bringing me the evidence. We had an especially nice look at one of the flowers from our "hummingbird tree". I'm not sure of the technical name for it (sorry Anna), but I did get some nice pics and will post them soon. I also had Noah and Caitlyn sketch the flower in their nature books. We even had the chance to discover the "milk" from milkweed and that stickerburrs are actually soft when they are just beginning the bud.
After all of this we headed into the house for a snack; but our up-close and personal look at nature was not quite over. Noah and I noticed that a squirrel had made it's way onto our porch and couldn't seem to be unable to get out. We have had many birds fly in there, but never a squirrel, to my knowledge. So I ventured out there, giving Noah express instructions to call 911 if I suffered any giant gash from teeth or claws, and the little one was startled and found his way out. I thought he had learned his lesson; but he returned later, feeling ever more confident than before and this time he was brave enough to walk along the tile, eyeing us behind the French doors, instead of scurrying along the ledge. As it turns out, he was in search of our bird seed, the little rascal. So, I guess we will have to find a bin with a lid to hold our seed so that we don't end up with gnaw marks all over the porch from our curious friends.
We have recently put a bird feeder in our tree that is viewable from our dining table and that has provided many moments to enjoy birds that had not previously visited out yard. Noah and I commented how glad we are that we have invited more variety in our yard.
So, there it is...I'm a nature junkie. I've said it. I won't be ashamed anymore. People have always suspected my green-ness. Now they know for sure. Thank you Anna Comstock for encouraging me to release my inner nature lover and enjoy these post-Easter blessings anew.
Shyly I answered, "Um, because we're studying rocks soon."
"But why are you underlining stuff?"
This one caught me off guard. What could I possibly answer without sounding totally nutty.
"Um, because I want to remember it," I answered with a questioning inflection in my voice. You see, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I actually LOVE learning about nature.
There are so many topics of conversation that I am simply ambivalent about. I could really care less about the stock market (although I know I should and that it does affect me). I am only mildly interested in pro football. The current fashion can only hold my attention for so long; but a nice flower, now that is something to look at.
The other day the kids and I took a trip to Houston. On the way we marveled at the bluebonnets in bloom. I am so going to miss March in Texas. A nice field of bluebonnets can turn even the worst day into a success. We stopped in Refurio at the TXDOT building and there right beside one of the palms was a nice little patch of bluebonnets. I made the kids all jump out and pose for a picture (which consisted of just getting the older two to sit, while I chased Aiden down, placed him in the picture, then quickly snapped a shot). Chris would have thought I was crazy. He's always so pressed to get to where we're going by some self-imposed arrival time. I know where he's coming from, as it is only a matter of time before Aiden begins to scream, "Out, out, out". But on a day like that, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to enjoy such beauty.
Then the following week, my friend Jody and I took the kids to a local church that has a nice bluebonnet patch for more pictures. I can't express the joy I felt watching the kids frolic through the field. That my friend, is what homeschooling is all about. I love the fact that my kids get to go out and experience nature instead of making paper models of it in the classroom. There is no substitute for experiencing nature first hand. It is the beauty of which Anna Comstock speaks so eloquently in her book, and why I am so enjoying this book with my kids. I have been searching high and low for some sort of science text book to use with them. Today after our nature lesson, I realized, I don't need a text book, I just need nature (oh, and Comstock's book).
Today was such a wonderful school day. No we didn't finish our math; no I didn't get to that story that I wanted Noah to finish writing; but oh, the discussions of nature that we had today were simply priceless. Our discussion began with the purpose of flowers - the fruit (see my last blog entry about the fruit). We began talking about what a plant needed to feel "comfortable". Caitlyn was very attentive as she has also been covering plants and flowers at play-school. We acted out what a wilted plant looks like, how it's leaves, flowers, and stem droop. Both kids enjoyed this activity, by the way, which surprised me a bit. We talked about the direction that the roots and leaves grow. Then, after discussing the different parts of the flower, we headed outside for some hand's on lessons. I took out several different ziplock baggies with different items listed on them: roots, leaves, flowers, seeds. I sent the kids in all directions for each of the items listed on the baggie. It was so neat to see all the kids looking for interesting leaves. They scoured the yard (ahem, and the neighbor's yard - sorry Doc Tom). Even Aiden got into it, examining every handful then bringing me the evidence. We had an especially nice look at one of the flowers from our "hummingbird tree". I'm not sure of the technical name for it (sorry Anna), but I did get some nice pics and will post them soon. I also had Noah and Caitlyn sketch the flower in their nature books. We even had the chance to discover the "milk" from milkweed and that stickerburrs are actually soft when they are just beginning the bud.
After all of this we headed into the house for a snack; but our up-close and personal look at nature was not quite over. Noah and I noticed that a squirrel had made it's way onto our porch and couldn't seem to be unable to get out. We have had many birds fly in there, but never a squirrel, to my knowledge. So I ventured out there, giving Noah express instructions to call 911 if I suffered any giant gash from teeth or claws, and the little one was startled and found his way out. I thought he had learned his lesson; but he returned later, feeling ever more confident than before and this time he was brave enough to walk along the tile, eyeing us behind the French doors, instead of scurrying along the ledge. As it turns out, he was in search of our bird seed, the little rascal. So, I guess we will have to find a bin with a lid to hold our seed so that we don't end up with gnaw marks all over the porch from our curious friends.
We have recently put a bird feeder in our tree that is viewable from our dining table and that has provided many moments to enjoy birds that had not previously visited out yard. Noah and I commented how glad we are that we have invited more variety in our yard.
So, there it is...I'm a nature junkie. I've said it. I won't be ashamed anymore. People have always suspected my green-ness. Now they know for sure. Thank you Anna Comstock for encouraging me to release my inner nature lover and enjoy these post-Easter blessings anew.
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